I met a guy a few weeks ago.  We met prior to working on a project together.  My introduction to him was similar to how apes greet one another: a better dressed version of grunting and chest banging.  He shook my hand, squeezing tightly, turning my wrist so that his hand was on top, implying dominance, or so I’m told.  He reminded the room regularly of his role and tenure with the firm.  I laughed to myself (and out loud evidently based on the side glances).  I laugh because it’s funny and because I’ve been there.  

My new friend showed his cards early: the machismo and knuckle dragging demonstrates insecurity.  It’s clear that my presence challenged him.  He continued to remind the room (and himself) that he was indeed employable.  He was so employable that he was spread across multiple projects (negating any value he otherwise could have offered).

By contrast, his more seasoned counter-part saw my involvement as a boon to her career: I was here to make her look good.  She knew the strategic value of this project and how it fit into her personal and professional plans.  She offered her assistance and support, however it best serves the cause.  

To be clear, my observations here are not to vilify my new friend, but to learn from the seasoned.  I see his insecurities because I lived them.  I know what it feels like to be threatened.  I also see how counter-productive it is.  

• Despite his best efforts, his machismo created distance between us (and the client, for the record) rather than drawing us closer together.

• His ‘employability’ and ‘value across multiple projects’ took away his presence and ability to do anything fully.  

• His ability to see me only as a threat and not an asset inhibits his ability to learn from the situation.  Whether or not I have anything to teach him is irrelevant.  What’s germaine to the topic is his willingness to learn.   

He’s trying too hard.  He’s trying to be something that’s not authentic.  His mental and emotional energies are spent playing a game.  He’ll eventually learn that he’s the only one playing this game and there is no winner.  See, I don’t work for his company.  I’m not going to take his ball and go home.  I don’t want it.  I’ve been in his shoes and done his job.  I have empathy for him because I know what it cost me.  I hurt for him.  I’m specifically disappointed that his desire to be right is actually working against everything he’s trying to build.  

It’s counter-intuitive to the uninitiated, but true strength comes from knowing when to use a sword not from waving it around, trying to impress people with your sweet ninja moves.  People get hurt that way.  People hurt themselves.  

I want the best for him.  I really do.  I just want him to put his sword down and stop trying so hard.