“Why is he so angry?” my bride asked. I took it to be a rhetorical question, but I realized she was looking for an answer. “Anger is unmet demand,” I offered. “He must be demanding a lot,” she responded.

Anger is one of the six core emotions. While it manifests itself in wildly different ways and with innumerable prompts, one core is consistent: anger is an unmet demand.

‘Demand’ is a strong term in this context, but I think it’s the right one. To make a demand is to require something of the world around us and insist that it be met. This might be as simple as ‘get my order right’ at the drive-thru or ’don’t cut in line’ in traffic or it may be something far more nuanced or personal. Unmet expectations beget frustration, but unmet demand begets anger.

Sometimes the demand is stated and quite overt. We see folks regularly in the public square demanding justice and equality, fairness and transparency. While we may not agree with their demands, we should at least be clear on what they’re demanding.

Sometimes the demand is subtle or unconscious. Watch the parent of a sick child respond to anything standing between their child and pain relief and you may be met with the vigor of a thousand picketers. More subtle still, watch a mother of young kids throw the dishtowel across the room when Dad suggests he’s going to wrap up a few emails while she puts the kids down for bed. While she may not be able to articulate her action in the moment, she is likely demanding partnership in parenting and chores as well as a demand for the relief she’s been expecting all day. The illustrations here are not to suggest that one is right and the other wrong, but to note that each has expectations. To push further, Dad has likely done the mental math to understand what work he needs to complete before he can have an intimate evening with his bride. Meanwhile, Mom wants to use the bathroom with the door closed and take a moment to respond to Carol who called her crying before afternoon nap time. It’s clear in my little story that the evening is heading in differing directions for Mom and Dad, but the question remains: what are the hopes, expectations or demands, because that will likely inform the response.

Often, our demands remain unarticulated, even to ourselves. Mom may not have communicated her wants, expectations or demands to Dad because she may not be able to articulate them herself. And even if she can state them, she may not be able to categorize them as such. All she knows is that she stepped on one too many toys and responds by handing Dad the dishtowel (from across the room) and locking herself in the bathtub until all the bubbles are gone. Had Mom recognized that her ‘wants’ had grown to ’needs’ to ‘demands,’ perhaps she could communicate that clearly.

In healthy moments, our response matches the stimulus. Dad had hoped to send some emails when he is asked to bathe the children. While disappointed his plan isn’t going as hoped, he mumbles something about TPS reports and adjusts his attitude. In our less healthy moments, requests to bathe the children turn into loud monologues about being unappreciated. Again, the illustration is not to suggest ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness,’ but expectation and response. When the response seems out of proportion to the stimulus, something more is going on: a demand isn’t being met.

(I should give credit here to my friend John for helping me understand anger in this way, but I won’t. He told me I had full rights to use his stuff with my bride…something about needing all the help I can get to close the gap on ‘marrying up.’)