Enough

I sat with Steve last week for about an hour and in that conversation he used the word ‘enough’ eight or ten times. The conversation wandered from holiday plans to work history to family life to favored hobbies. Yet the common theme throughout was his wondering out loud if he were ‘enough.’

I spoke with Susan who’s body is showing the effects of 60-hour weeks. Recovering from ’tough days’ now requires more than an extra cup of coffee or a nap on Saturday. She takes multiple needed supplements to function and still her body demands something more.

I sat with Joe over bagels and lox who struggled to enjoy his meal. He commented after that his wife would not appreciate him spending $10 on breakfast. They make decent money between them, but in her mind, their financial commitments and several children to feed, his bagel would be ’too much.’

Three times in a week, friends of mine suggested that their calendars, bodies and wallets were not enough. How was Steve to work through 400 emails a day with his upcoming promotion and additional responsibilities? How was Susan to make it to the next season when she could barely make it through the week? How is Joe to get the help he needs when each coffee is questioned?

I asked each of them in time how much would be enough? How much more do you need? Steve already gets up at 4:30 a.m. Susan already goes to bed as soon as she's home. Joe already reviews every financial transaction with his wife. What is enough? None could answer the question cleanly, so I offered suggestions: twice as much? Three times more? Ten times the capacity? Recognizing my exaggeration, each acknowledged that they didn’t know what more they needed.

Then we wondered out loud together: what if raising the top line of capacity were the wrong question. Instead, what if lowering the burn were more helpful? What if Joe held a 30-minute Q&A at the beginning of each day with his team to answer any questions they had? How many emails would that stop over time? What if Susan didn’t advise the chess club anymore? What if Joe sold the plasma in his blood to buy bagels (again, exaggeration with the intent of finding the line of impossibility to know the outer bounds of possible).

For each of my friends, the challenge is one of limits: Steve, Susan and Joe will never have enough time, energy or money to meet expectations. What if the expectations changed: those of the members of your team, your boss, your wife? What if there were a conversation on the problem these systems were put in place to address? What if there were a conversation on what is essential. This does not (necessarily) mean cut everything to the bone, but it does mean ask why the ask was put in place to begin with, determine what the essence of the ask really is and think creatively about how to match need with essential response. These are not rhetorical questions. Addressing these questions opens the aperture and provides fodder for a new conversation with bosses, students and spouses.