I grew up in an era and place where ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’ were mandatory to any adult, authority figure or anyone deemed an elder.  I was corrected innumerable times by my parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, community members, teachers and anyone old enough to grab the back of my neck because that was the cultural norm (and right thing to do). 

My bride and I teach our children to speak to adults in the same way.  We also take the stance of reminding other children to address us with the similar regard, whether in my wife’s classroom or on the ball field.

This practice is intended to show respect, honoring the experience and wisdom of the elder. Not only do the Holy Scriptures tell us to honor our elders, anthropology shows us that across cultures and across times, elders have been by and large respected beyond their ability to contribute to the physical nature of running a community (which was more or less true until recent history).  

The practice of respectful titles introduces an element of humility, noting that the speaker is giving the designee the seat of honor in an exchange.  It’s an important piece of intergenerational relations that we may be losing, I fear.  

But what if ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ doesn’t convey the respect intended?  

What if referring to Stephen’s mom as ‘Mrs. Jones’ makes Carol twitch.  See, Carol’s mother-in-law, the woman whose surname she inherited when she married her son, is an awful woman.  Estelle Jones was mean, biting and disrespectful to those around her on her good days.  On her bad days, Estelle was a tinge evil, taking too much brandy, sabotaging dinner, blatantly breaking protocol because getting under Carol’s skin was sport.  When Estelle died, Carol was grateful to be rid of the biting, hurtful relationship.  And yet with each pronouncement of “Mrs. Jones," Carol is reminded of the woman that hurt her deeply. “It’s Carol, please,” she implores, begging as much as decorum will allow her. Yet most don’t know Carol’s story or the hurt of each ‘Mrs. Jones.’ Eventually, adults cede the request and address her as requested.  

But what about children?  What were we to do? Mom said we were to always address adults by 'Mr. and Mrs.', so how were we to respond to a request for ‘it’s Carol, please.” Would ‘Mrs. Carol’ suffice?  That’s it. Mrs. Carol.  Mom’s happy and Stephen’s Mom is happy.  

Respect means to ‘re-see.’  Stephen’s Mom was an adult, deeming her worthy and due a title of honor.   But as an adult myself now, I can ‘re-see’ Carol Jones as the recipient of hatred and hurt that no person wants to relive.  ‘Mrs. Jones’ is that nasty woman who threw chicken noodle soup.  So, in my attempts to honor Carol Jones, I inadvertently disrespected her by associating her with a person who brought such great pain.  

To respect those around us, a default to ‘Mr.' or ‘Mrs.' is appropriate.  If corrected, then the desired designation is the title of honor.  ‘Mrs. Carol’ or ‘Dr. Jones’ or ‘Papaw’ are all titles of honor.  (I’d offer that ‘Papaw’ is the highest honor). 

So please, it’s Mrs. McCoy. She deserves it.