Outside Community

'Hello!!! So good to see you again Steve.’

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if there were ever a good soul, Carol Jones is it.  How many years have you been part of this movement, Carol?’

‘Robert, remember the year the power went out in the middle of my speech.  That was awesome!  We didn’t think so at the time, but oh the stories we could tell…'

These lines are fantastic openers at the family reunion, no doubt. Unfortunately, these were the opening statements at plenary sessions of my first virtual conference.  I’d been part of this organization for some time and ironically began to feel less and less history with each passing year.  I’d been part of this collective for more than half of its organizational life and attended the conference at multiple locations in multiple years and yet, to the emcee doing roll call, I didn’t belong. 

Years ago I worked for a company that was fond of anniversaries.  I suspect that’s because they had little confidence anyone would stay long, so anniversary celebrations became the norm.  I beamed proudly as I reached my third, fourth and fifth year milestones, finally warranting that coveted tchotchke.  The challenge was that the tchotchke presentation was cut short that year because someone else in my same month had an anniversary a few years ahead of me.  So while he received his ten-year t-shirt with great ceremony, mine was stored in the utility closet.  Unfortunate, except that it happened every year I was with employed there.  

So why is it that I felt like such an outsider in communities in which I had every right to belong?

First, there’s always another circle. No matter how close I’ve gotten to organizations, there’s always another circle: advisors, charter members, big donors, something.  Short of being married to the founder (which was the case at this conference), there’s always another circle.  Connection starts where I choose for it to start. 

Second, the emcees were misguided.  The intent with such a demonstration of ‘us’ is certainly positive, yet the effect of such a ‘roll call’ as the emcees demonstrated was inappropriate for the context.  As the host of a large-scale session for a community-based meeting, the role of the emcee is to broadcast welcome and guide a collective journey.  There is absolutely a place for individual-based connection yet plenary is not that place.  

Third, some onus of the sense of belonging is on me.  As long as a I believe I do not belong, I will not belong.  I have been involved with this organization for some time and continue to come back.  So what else might I seek?  The inner most circle? The vintage charter t-shirt? By attending, I belong.  How much and whether I believe that is up to me to some extent.  

A friend notes that ‘involvement without commitment breeds cynicism.’  While his context was regarding the local church, his statement holds true of any organization.  Until I give something (e.g., time, money, energy), I will be a consumer, maintaining my distance from ‘us,’ entrenched in ’they.’  

Certainly the emcees could have been more open and welcoming, but how I feel about their faux pas is on me.  It’s also up to me to choose between commitment or cynicism. That and which trucker hat to buy.