Easier to vilify than try
A misunderstanding. A ‘he-said-she-said’ misstep. A ‘story we tell ourselves’ is all it takes to spin a situation of out of control. But why? It doesn’t have to be that way, does it? But if it were so easy to fix a misunderstanding, why do we still have so many challenges?
I’d suggest that it’s easier to vilify than to try.
It’s easier to believe that she’s selfish and inconsiderate than to clarify the trigger statement. But what is the emotional inertia keeping us from the 20-seconds of courage needed to close the gap?
I would have to recognize and admit that I’m triggered and ramping up.
I might have to acknowledge the possibility that I might be wrong.
I run the risk of feeling stupid if indeed I was the one that misunderstood.
I run the risk of entering the room full of other people and having the discussion in front of an audience.
I would have to admit that she has the power to trigger me and I don’t like feeling powerless.
I run the risk of the ‘discussion’ escalating even louder than it is.
I run the risk of returning to the same argument we’ve had for years.
Seems to be a lot of risk for a little misunderstanding.
But being easy and doing right aren’t the same thing. Anytime we cower to our fear, we lose. It’s what the folks at the Arbinger Institute call ‘self-betrayal.’ Losing to our fear costs us part of ourselves and it costs the relationship. The opportunity to engage more fully with one another is sacrificed on the altar of safety. So we vilify the other person, making her the villain in the story because as long as she’s the villain, I can be the hero and heroes aren’t wrong.
But, oh, what we miss when we vilify: we miss an opportunity to connect with another. We miss an opportunity to grow. We miss an opportunity to teach.
It only takes 20 seconds of courage to walk across the room, make the phone call, ask the question. Try. Please. Try to overcome your fear. Try to suspend judgement. Try to honor what is right. You’ll be better for it. We’ll all be better for it.