My wife and I took the kids to lunch last week between stops.  The place was packed and it was late in the day.  I’ll admit it: I was hangry (hungry + angry).  I’m not proud of it, but I behaved, even if I wasn’t happy.  

In order to eat lunch before dinnertime, we opted to split up and grab a small table and some seats at the counter.  It was a burgers and shakes joint. My son and I watched with interest as they grilled the burgers and fried the potatoes.  It was a four step process with only a handful of variation: cheese or no cheese, one patty or two, but not many more. 

Our drinks came several minutes later as we watched the manager bark orders and yell at the guy manning the fry station.  I was a little baffled frankly.  I’ve worked in restaurants and know the chaos that happens behind the curtain.  I’ve got a decent sense of what each person in the process has control over and what they don’t.  Normally, diners only interact with the host stand whose job effectively ends after you sit down and with the manager whose job really only begins if there’s an issue.  The primary point of contact with the restaurant is the server, the best of which go unnoticed.  The server represents the whole system, apologizing for the wait, apologizing that they’re out of prime rib and that the potatoes are too salty.  

Back at the burger counter, the curtain hiding the chaos was gone.  We watched end to end as each station worked discordantly with every other player, making the process frustrating for both cook and diner.  I watched the manager yell at the fry guy again as he had to remake our order.  I watched it made improperly and thankfully she caught it before I did, but her frustration wasn’t lost on him.  

I felt bad for her as she tried to bring order to chaos until I saw her turn her fry frustration on the new server.  In a classic 'Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy moment, “Move” was all she said.  She took over attempting to address the problems at the front of the house that were consequences of the problems at the back of the house (which she could not control either).  Moments later she dropped off our check with rolled eyes, mumbling something about how hard her life is.  

Even if we’ll assume that she was having a hard day and that her life is actually hard, I’m still left with my question: how much do I tip the server?

Our meal was a disaster in almost every way.  Our experience with the host stand was challenging, it was literally our server’s first shift, the food took forever to appear and was wrong at that and the manager threw quite the tantrum.  So how much do I tip the server?  Short of causing a scene or walking-out (not a good move with children in tow), the server represented my only opportunity for feedback to the restaurant. The manager would have none of it and sending the food back to the kitchen would only punish my child.  Maybe I could provide a comment on a webform that might be aggregated and scanned by a robot, maybe.  

Gratuity is intended as a way to thank and reward wait staff for service, but what if the experience wasn’t her fault.  She didn’t burn the food and she can’t be responsible for the manager’s behavior.  

Eating out is a process, just like many other services provided. Normally, only a few interaction points represent the entire system, but laid bare, I could spot the errors as they took place.  

So again, how much do I tip the server? Do I pull the manager aside? Do I do nothing and act like it was fine? Do I write a strongly worded letter on a feedback form? 

In the end, I weighed the problems with my need to be heard and decided that causing a scene wasn’t worth the cost to my wife and kids.  I also opted for something resembling empathy by assuming that the manager was already having a bad day and that my ‘contribution’ wouldn’t be heard or helpful.  So, I forewent my sense of entitlement to quality service and thanked them for not killing my children and paid the check. I tipped the server and left.  I’m thankful that we had fuel until our next meal and went on.  I’m also hopeful that something changes and that the server demands something different.