I want to want that

I had coffee with a former colleague a few weeks ago.  He couldn’t be happier.  He had gotten what he wanted.  He had the position he wanted at the company he wanted with the team he wanted.  He did the work and the appropriate politicking and became what they wanted him to be.  I was jealous.  

I’m not jealous of what he got or even that he got what he wanted.  I’m jealous that he knew what he wanted and that he got it.  I used to want what he got.  At least I thought I did.  Then I realize that I really just wanted to want it.  I really didn’t want what he had or what he wanted, which is why I didn’t put in the work to get it.  He’s not any smarter or better at the job than I was, but he wanted it.  

I want to want it because I know what it takes to get it. 

I want to want it because its clear when I get it.  

I want to want it because I know the value in the industry.  

I want to want it because he got it and that makes me jealous. 

But I don’t.  I want something else, even if I can’t articulate what it is.  Once I realized this, I had to mourn.  All of the work I’d done to date was to achieve that goal. I was giving up a destination. And a goal.  And the clarity that comes with being able to articulate what I was doing.  

So I went back to the well:  why did I want that? What do I really want now? How can all of that work to this point take me to what I now want. 

I want to want that.  It’s easier that not knowing.  But I don’t want that and now I can stop trying.  And get to work figuring out what I really want.