How does the saying go, 'the only thing certain is time and taxes'? Or maybe it’s ‘death and taxes’ or maybe those are the same thing?  Regardless, the focus here is on time.  Specifically, the time between. I’ve noted elsewhere on the value of traditions and the role they play in role in our lives.  Annual traditions are precious because they happen every year.  

But what about the time between traditions?  What changed in the 51 weeks since the Christmas ornaments went up last year?  Everything. Everything changed.  The kids grew, the job changed, you developed an allergy to Eggnog.  Okay, so maybe not everything changed and you still have the same job, but you are a different person.  So is your bride and so is Uncle Leon.  

So you see the tension right: the same routines on the same anchors but with different people.  

That’s the beauty of tradition, isn’t it? Eating grandma’s fried chicken every summer and playing cards until 2:00 am with the cousins.  It’s fantastic.  Until grandma broke her hip and can't stand at the stove anymore.  Now what?  Do we order a bucket of extra crispy and pretend that it’s grandmas?  Do we pretend that it’s not really important and ask Aunt Jackie to bring that casserole?  What about Pappy’s expectations of Christmas Chicken?  Will grandma notice?  

Of course she will.  In fact, she noticed the day she broke her hip and the day Pappy brought in Colonel Sanders.  And it made her sad.  Then it made her angry.  Jackie uses Cheez-Its to top her broccoli cheese casserole and not Ritz Crackers and that’s just wrong.  Grandma knows this, but Jackie married into the family and grandma is too nice to say anything. Bless her heart. Ritz, Jackie. Always Ritz.  

But what happens with the tension is not about crackers, but about that comment from last year.  Uncle Leon’s ‘joke’ about a that second piece of pie wasn’t funny.  In fact it was hurtful. For family decorum (and not to upset the fancy plates), nothing is said and cousin Susan pushes her cobbler aside.  What does Susan do?  Nothing?  What happens next year when she’s asked to bring her famous bumble berry pie?  Will she feel resentment toward Leon?  Will he comment again?  Should she avoid the pie altogether? 

Susan may do a lot of things, but she won't forget.  This space between casseroles and Christmases is where we can do work.  Susan can talk with Leon and talk through her frustration.  She can find a priest and work to forgive the hurt.  She can find a therapist and talk through how Leon’s comment stirred up those feelings from those means girls from high school.  She can do something and she can do anything.  Or she could do nothing.

But what happens next year when the Christmas table is set and there’s space held for Bumbleberry Pie served with a side of commentary?  Will she remember? 

Unless something changes, nothing will change.  Expectations will stay the same, even if people change.  Hurts grow even if the pie stays the same.  

Because things change, we must change in order to stay the same.  We love bumble berry pie and late night card games, but the realities change with babies arrive or diabetes sets in.  What I think we want more than pie and Bridge is tradition and relationship.  

We can’t control Leon and what he does, so we must work.  We must seek to forgive and heal and grow even if Leon won’t (or can’t).  This is why we must do the work in between — because things change, even when they stay the same.