‘Do you think he feels the same way about me that I do about him?’

While is may sound like the question of a teenage girl to her girlfriends at a slumber party, this question was raised by a 40 year-old father whose wife was in ear shot.  This question of belonging haunts all of us.  The relationship between these men spanned nearly 20 years and had seen birth and death, laughter and tears, beaches of joy and benches of sorrow and yet…

Sandwiched between physiological safety and self-esteem, Maslow illustrates, are social needs: safety and love/belonging.  ‘Safety’ has often been short-circuited to groups or categories of people.  Turn on the TV and it’s clear that there is a war against ‘them.’  The 'other’ in question may shift, but there’s usually a ‘them.’ The real challenge is when I can no longer see you as a person because of your ‘them-ness.’  Once I relate to you only as a Republican or Methodist or Yellow Jacket, my mind no longer sees you as Larry, or Kim or Carol.

When our minds believe someone to be safe, we move toward a question of orientation. Are we ‘friends’? Brothers? Boyfriend/girlfriend?  This is where the infamous ‘DTR’ is so dreaded.  You know these, right?  The ‘Define the Relationship’ discussions with your new significant other.  It’s pivotal because the event of a date becomes a noun, a relationship at this discussion.  It’s also quite risky.  What if she doesn’t really like me? What if she thinks we’re just friends? What if he doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back?  It’s the stuff of nightmares.

There’s comfort in knowing who you are who we are because there’s clarity.  I know and you know and we know together.

The last variable in our relational calculus is HOW we are.  Relational health checks finalize our calculus.  Yes, we’re married and it’s good.  Yes, he’s my friend and I am his. If the math checks out, ‘them’ becomes ‘us.'

This dance is constant, subtle and doesn't stop until we become so deeply rooted in who we are that we can withstand the waves of social moors.  This is the work of maturing.  When we enter any relationship ungrounded, we allow some part of us to be defined by the other person.  What a burden this places on the other person.  What a gift we give away.

The work for the maturing adult is two-fold: gratitude and growing. Thankfulness is a posture of the present, which can happen in any circumstances with the right perspective.  Growth is the work of maturing adults: digging deeper into our grounding of knowing who we are.