How we give and receive love
When we got married, the state we lived in required both parties in the couple, a picture ID and something like $23.00 for a marriage license. I had a materially harder time getting the tag for my car. A neighboring state had similar protocol, but the fee was $90.00. I’m told hunting licenses in that state were less expensive. Interestingly, this state offered a substantial discount for a marriage license fee if you took a pre-marital class. Think of it as hunters’s safety for marriage.
Based on wise counsel, we took the class, even though it wasn’t mandatory for our license. It was about as interesting as defensive driving, which I’ve had the pleasure of attending twice, but I give the state credit for trying. Their data showed that pre-marital counseling materially dropped divorce rates. Topics included finances, holiday expectations, in-laws and the marriage bed, each with enough worksheets to fill 6 hours. It wasn’t deep stuff, but really important (I now know that in-laws, finances and sex are the top 3 reasons stated in filing for divorce).
The class created space for us to have a conversation about things we didn’t know we needed to have a conversation about. That was the value, not the worksheets.
Then we turned to our wedding officiant to see if she might offer something about marriage beyond reading the relational road-signs. We talked about the wedding ceremony, what was important to us and what questions we had about marriage. We didn’t know what we didn’t know so we asked for help. She was more confident in our abilities than we were.
Fishing for some input, I noted that we’d both recently read Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. The book gave us a vocabulary for talking about love. We shared some stories, illustrating how we were applying our new language. Then I wondered out loud, ‘if her love language is affirmation, why does she serve?’ ‘Because she’s looking to be loved,’ she said definitively as she shifted her attention to the next item on her agenda. ’Sorry?’ I questioned, clearly missing the obvious connection that made her response so definitive. ’She receives love through Words of Affirmation, right? Isn’t that what you noted? Then she’ll do Acts of Service unconsciously hoping that it will return an affirmation.’
We looked at one another as if she’d read our hearts. Because she had. We give love — honestly, sincerely, purely — because it is often what we want the most. As people, we want to connect, we want to be see and be seen. There’s some part of us that wants to connect so badly that we give away thing we want most. My bride’s acts of service were (I should say ‘are’) a request for love. By contrast, my bids to go grocery shopping with her were attempt at seeking Quality Time.
So I wondered: how is she telling me that her ‘love tank’ is low?