Leading from Second
I listened to a podcast the other day with a husband and wife team. She was the more ‘famous’ of the two, having turned her platform into books, speeches and a Twitter following warranting a little blue checkmark. She was one whose ‘instant fame’ that took 10 years to bloom.
As they shared their story, it became clear that in a previous season of their marriage, he had been the more ‘famous’ of the two, leading a church in their community. He was influential in his own right (and arguably still is, despite the faded blue checkmark on his Instagram account). As they spoke, they shared how they intentionally shifted roles. Her ‘rise to fame’ required him to intentionally shift from the pulpit to the wings of the stage, becoming her greatest cheerleader. His highest and best use shifted from first to second and, to his great credit, he shifted voluntarily and whole-heartedly (which she verified). Let’s note that her ‘fame’ is well deserved. She is quite the capable writer, speaker, leader, but that’s not what struck me about the discussion.
The punch between my eyes was when he spoke of the day he realized that in order for her to realize her talent, he needed to step aside. This decision required several things from him, each of merit:
He had to acknowledge and honor her talent. She’s good and he acknowledged that.
He had to acknowledge that she was better than he was. Their disciplines as communicators were, for this discussion anyway, the same. And she was better at it with her audience than he was with his.
He had to acknowledge that his role in their relationship was to step back for an indefinite period of time in order to enable her success. This meant quitting his job without clarity on if or when he would get it back.
He had to acknowledge that in order to best serve his God, his role was to lead from second place.
Throw the male ego on top of the list above and you begin to see his sacrifice.
I remember that day in my own marriage — the day I realized my greatest role may be enabling her voice. See, I’m louder than she is which makes me easier to hear. But is my voice the one that the world needs to hear? What if my bride’s voice was the one the world needed? What if my role were to fundraise and pay the mortgage and buy the creamy peanut butter so that she could speak her voice? What would that require of me? What does leading from second look like? What if my highest and best use was creating space for her to flourish?
These questions are perspective shifting for me, because it caused me to see my bride in a new way, increasing respect for her. The question was no longer about her role in being a ‘help-mate’ but in our role in serving our God. Our marital roles have not necessarily shifted, but our perspectives and how we serve has. The conversation is about how she best serves her God and how I can support her in doing so. The seasons in our lives necessitate different expressions of this, yet the goal should be the same: mutual support in serving our God.