Much has been written about helping people get what they want.  Pick almost any category in the electronic bookstore and you’ll find something akin to self-help.  Think about it: cook better, lead better through learning history’s lessons, look better to get the guy.  

Over coffee I listened to Frank wax poetic about his career plans.  He was thoughtful, intentional and focused.  He was also deceived.  He had clearly put a lot of thought into his models, reflecting on his performance reviews from both his boss and his mother.  It was really thoughtful, even if lacking.  Frank was not calibrated into the reality of his abilities nor their relative distance to his goals.  He thought he was a lot closer than the market did.  Said directly, he was way off on his understanding of his ability (and by extension his value) in the market, ultimately leading him to a place of feeling undervalued and frustrated. 

At work, I had a client, Laura, ask for help developing a plan to become a world-class leader in innovation and customer experience.  When asked for their scorecards and opportunity areas they cited a single metric that the industry gave up on years ago.  The foundational elements required for ‘basic’ stood lacking, so ‘world class’ seemed impossible to me. 

More personally, my son asked if I’d come to his baseball games when he made it to the Major Leagues.  For him, the gap between the 12U coach-pitch All-Star team and the Hall of Fame was simple.  Between a summer selection to the All-Star team and a visit to Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, the distance to close the gap is simply time and growing his body into his confidence.  That and a new glove.  

Frank, Laura and Ben all hoped.  My boy hopes to play in the big leagues.  He hopes as he flips through his baseball cards and reads biographies of legends past.  He’s attempting to realize his dream with each request to go to the batting cage.  Statistically, the odds are really, really slim.  I know that (and so does the NCAA - playing in college and playing in the pros), but my boy doesn’t.  Right now he doesn’t need to.  He needs to dream. He is, after all a boy. 

Frank, on the other hand, is no longer a boy.  He’s a grown man whose sense of self doesn’t match his reality and now he’s angry.  He’s neither recognizing nor honoring the market’s attempt to calibrate him (by way of a failed promotion).  

As my friend John notes, 'reality is our friend. Everything else is fantasy.’  Frank’s anger stems from his fantasy.  Perhaps he is good at his job, but he’s not good enough for promotion.  Perhaps Laura leads a fantastic organization, but it’s not at the top of any class.

Knowing how to get what you want starts with an honest look at where you are.  Once honest, the work can begin to get the promotion, the industry award and the signing bonus.