The map is not the treasure

I’m a fan of personality assessments. I’m just nerdy enough to appreciate the science behind them, have enough ego to like learning about myself and appreciate the utility found in a new way of seeing people. Like any tool, these assessments can be misused and abused. Put a hammer in the hands of a carpenter and he’ll create a building. Put that same hammer in the hands of a child and grandma’s kitchen table is repurposed into a fort no duct tape can fix.

Over the years I’ve been privy to a number of tools and each time I sit in a training class or read a book, someone inevitably comments ‘after reading my profile, I finally feel known’ or ‘to read about my style feels like coming home.’

I love the feeling of coming home; to a place where I feel known and can be me because of who I am.

But that’s where the uninitiated stops: with the map. The explorers of yesterday charted literally unmapped territory. They often set off over equipped and under prepared. They borrowed from experience, studied intently, reconnoitered fervently and still found themselves repurposing boats into shelters. Maps provide context and a guide, but won’t get you to the treasure without work.

The maturing thinker knows this. She knows that a map’s value is in how you use it to serve others, not in knowing your type. Knowing my wife’s style certainly gives me a greater understanding of how she’s built, but if I don’t act differently, all I’ve done is create new boxes to put her in. Knowing how to love her differently is not the same as actually loving her better. Carpenters know that putting nails in the wall with a screwdriver damages the screwdriver, the wall and the man.

The map orients, calibrates, contextualizes, but the work is in trudging through waist-high water and icky spiders. Knowing thyself, as the Greeks encouraged us, can be painful. Relationships are messy. This is the work of the explorer. In our relationships, this is knowing her heart, desires, wishes, fears and dreams and then doing something about it. Knowing that she receives love through Words of Affirmation is really helpful only if you write her notes and whisper affirmations in her ear. Knowing this about her and wanting to ‘hang out’ because you’re a Quality Time guy isn’t loving her well, it’s negligence.

Explore the recesses of her heart and then do something about. There’s gold there.

The map is not the treasure, the treasure is the treasure.